The Funeral
by Mulligrubs
Summary: One shot. Jane visits a funeral. Disclaimer: I do not own The Mentalist or any of its characters.
1. Chapter 1

There was a knock at Virgil Minelli's office door.

"Ah, Agent Lisbon, Mr. Jane. Glad to see you got my memo, please sit down," Minelli said, gesturing to a pair of uncomfortable-looking chairs across from his desk. "Jane, do you know why you're here?"

"I never thought of you as a philosopher sir," Jane said. "Well, I don t think anyone really knows what their life's purpose is, _per se_, but I've got a pretty good idea of what I. Oof! That hurt Lisbon."

"Shut up Jane," Lisbon said, rubbing her elbow. "You're already in enough trouble. I'm sorry sir, please continue."

"Thank you Agent Lisbon," MInelli nodded to her, and then turned back to Jane. "Jane, your methods have always been...unique, to say the least, but this time you've crossed a line. Did you even know that the funeral was being filmed?"

"I can't say I did," Jane said. "If I had known, I would have worn my nicer suit."

Minelli raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, turning his attention back to Lisbon and holding up a flash drive.

"Have you seen this yet, Agent?" He asked.

"No."

Minelli plugged in the drive to his computer and then turned the screen so all three could see it.

"What where you even doing in the cemetery to begin with?" Minelli asked Jane as the film loaded.

"I have a deep, yet previously undiscovered, passion for pre-eighteenth century headstones," Jane said. "Agent Cho was kind enough to drive me there, but he stayed in the car. The man has no appreciation for good masonry."

"Mm-hmm," Minelli pushed the play button.

"At the far side of the screen," he pointed, "you can see Jane walk in the back and take a seat. What possibly possessed you to stop looking at your headstones and join a funeral party?"

"I like people."

"This doesn t seem so bad sir," Lisbon said. "What's--?"

"Oh, we're getting there," Minelli said. "Ah, at this point, you can see Mr. Jane _take the eulogy stand_ and start addressing the crowd."

They watched the video for a few moments. Minelli looked pointedly at Jane, demanding an explantation.

"I feel that funerals are much too somber," Jane said. "Our culture has a very unhealthy attitude toward death. I was just trying to lighten the mood."

"I really don t see the problem sir," Lisbon said. "They don't look upset. They look...happy. Look, some people in the back are even laughing."

"Here comes the problem," Minelli said. "Right here, when he jumps over the table and--"

"Jane!" Lisbon said, turning to her consultant, shocked. "What the hell where you thinking?!"

"Those people had an unhealthy attachment to the remains of their loved one," Jane explained. "I was helping the grieving process move along at a rate much more conducive to healing."

"What, by stealing the urn and running off with it?!"

Jane said nothing

"Here he runs to the parking lot," Minelli said, "toward an appropriately alarmed Agent Cho, who remains in the car throughout. You can see his facial expression through the windshield, which leads me to believe he had no clue what Jane was planning. Several members of the funeral party pursue him, including the widow."

"She ran much faster than I would have expected in those high heels," Jane said. "I, for one, was very impressed."

"But they do not catch Jane, who jumps in the car, with the urn, and urges Agent Cho to drive away," he finished, "which Agent Cho does. So concludes out little home video."

Minelli hit the pause button. Lisbon was dumbfounded.

"So, let me get this straight. You," She said to Jane, "just happened to be in the cemetery because of a new found interest in head stones and somehow managed to drag Agent Cho along, despite the fact that he hates cemeteries. You then proceeded to join the funeral party because you like people ..."

She looked at Jane, who was smiling innocently.

"...and finally, you steal the remains of the deceased," Lisbon continued, "which just happen to be the one crucial piece of evidence in our current case, which we couldn't get a warrant for. All this because you wanted to help the grieving process?"

"That," Jane said, "was an incredibly succinct summary of events, though I could do without the skeptical tone of voice. I almost think you don't believe me."

Lisbon exchanged a meaningful glance with Minelli

"Fine," Minelli said, throwing up his hands in exasperation. "Fine. Both of you, out of my office, now. I trust you will dole out an appropriate punishment, Lisbon."

Jane and Lisbon stood to leave.

"And Jane," Minelli said, "for gods' sake, don t get caught on film next time."

"Yes sir."


	2. Author's Note: Correction

**Author's note: **Sorry about the whole Bob thing (now, I think, fixed. Woot!). I was using the name Bob untill I remebered Minelli's name, and it looks like I forgot to replace a few. Thanks for pointing it out!


End file.
